Bovine Bathing Beauty

Fine, but once cows get the paddling habit, where will it end? Could we find ourselves coping with a mass bovine takeover of the beaches? Just imagine all those cows sprawled on sun-loungers, covered in Factor 15 and sporting their Calvins on their horns. And if you thought the Germans are adept at leaving their calling cards on the sunbeds, just think what those cows could leave....

Then there would be all those little calves gambolling in the waves; cute until you think that they definitely won’t be wearing Pampers under their swimsuits....what would that do our Blue Flag status...?

Whatever next? Surfing bullock-dudes, snorkelling heifers, wind-surfing steers....?

It just doesn’t bear thinking about. Somebody get it out of there...

Congratulations on being fat and old....

As we in the west bemoan our wrinkles and spreading flesh, it's good to know there places where they are considered to be a Very Good Thing. So in Sri Lanka, a greeting along the lines of "My, haven't you put on weight" is received with great satisfaction as it it means "You are doing well for yourself". And at New Year, my (youthful) Sinhala teacher presented me with a T-shirt (size 8 - she obviously thought I was going downhill fast!), saying " It is our tradition to give clothes to elderly people at this time of year". By this of course she meant people of maturity and wisdom, worthy of great respect...didn't she??

EX-PATS UNDER THREAT IN SERIAL CRIME RAMPAGE

WITH SINCERE APOLOGIES TO ANY BRITISH (OR OTHER) RESIDENTS OF GALLE WHO WERE THE SUBJECT OF ATTACKS FOR THE FRIVOLOUS NATURE OF THIS POST!

Went to the funniest meeting last week - British residents called together by the High Commission to talk to the local police about "armed" robberies in the vicinity (guns probably toys but you can't be too careful). Having secured the office, mobile and home telephone numbers of most of the senior police officers in a hundred mile radius, the ex-pats happily spent the rest of the evening quizzing the police in detail as to just how far they could go in self-defence before they fell foul of the law (it's all about proportional force, apparently; and you could find yourself in trouble if you shoot someone who is threatening you with a water pistol....).
The Chief of Police responded by suggesting that most ex-pats were so sozzled by the time they went to bed they wouldn't hear an armed robber if he was swinging from their mosquito nets. And anyway we are all so well-off why don't we have 24 hour security guards? What fun, much better than my local neighbourhood watch gathering in Bristol. Hic, pass me the gin bottle and by the way where's my Kalshnikov....